Chapter 5 Man Up In Your Marriage
Evening everybody. Tonight, or this week, this week is Chapter Five. This week is the week that … If you’re just joining for the first time I better explain what the heck I’m doing here in the first place. Each week for the last few weeks I’ve taken a different chapter and read a little bit from the book, try to give you guys a little flavor as to what the heck the book is actually about and if you pre-ordered it you might decide whether it was a good thing or not. Hopefully it was. Each week I take another chapter and I read part of that chapter and talk a little bit about my feelings, all those other fun things that have to do with each chapter.
Tonight is Chapter Five which is Man Up in Your Marriage. This topic, I love this topic. Anybody that’s married, I look at it and I think a marriage is the pinnacle of the relationship pyramid. I don’t think there is one that will give you as much joy and as much fulfillment from a relationship, yet at the same time as much frustration or angst.
I was thinking about that as I was sitting here preparing for tonight. I thought, “Geez. Why is that?” It’s the person that we commit to, that we say we’ll love and cherish forever. You know the old saying, sometimes you treat strangers better than you treat your loved ones or your own family. I got to thinking about that with our spouse, and it’s one of those things I think where there is nobody that you know that knows you as well as your spouse, hopefully. There isn’t anybody that … when you become completely vulnerable in that relationship, and you really get past that honeymoon phase of somebody truly getting to know who you are, those little idiosyncrasies that over time come out, I think that’s one of the reasons why it can be so challenging because we do truly know each other. Again, I’m not saying it’s bad. There are times when it’s like, “Holy cow”, and it’s not just me thinking that about my wife, it’s my wife thinking that about me.
If there is any couple out there that says they never have that … everything’s always rosy, don’t compare yourself to that couple. I’ll tell you that right now because that couple is a unicorn couple and they poop pink sherbet, too. Just so you know. Because that doesn’t happen. There ain’t a relationship out there that doesn’t have its trials and tribulations. Do not compare yourself and do not let yourself get into that trap of comparing yourself against another couple because it’s just not fair, especially couples on Facebook. You see all this lovey-dovey … You see the good sides. You see the ‘Oh my husband rocks’, or ‘Oh my wife’s the best’, or ‘Oh look what my husband did for me today’. What you don’t see is ‘Do you know how bad my husband pissed me off this morning’, or ‘Do you know how bad my wife pissed me off this morning’. You don’t see those things because people typically don’t put that on Facebook. They put the stuff … Some people put enough of the stuff that you want to stick your finger down your throat sometimes and vomit.
Anyway, boy that just took a turn didn’t it? It went from unicorns pooping pink sherbet to sticking your finger down your throat and vomiting. Well, anyway. Let’s get right down to reading. How’s that sound? This part of the Man Up in Your Marriage, this is what I call ‘Watch Your Punctuation’.
“No I’m not going to teach you how to write a love letter for your wife, but I am going to lay out a few sentences that I want you to read. Think about what they really mean based on the punctuation.
I’m sorry honey, but I got busy and forgot. I love you, but right now you’re really irritating me. I agree with you, but I think you need to do this instead. What do you see, or in this place hear, with these sentences? I’m sure you see, or hear, there’s a ‘but’ in every one of them. The ‘but’ and the comma, to put it as simply as I can, are nothing but excuses. They completely contradict how we started the sentence. Seriously?
“I love you, but …”, all that says is I love you, but not really, and here’s why.
“I’m sorry, but …”, I’m sorry but let me try to make it hurt a little less that I couldn’t remember something important to you.
“I agree, but …”, I agree with you, but I’m just kidding, and here’s why.
Words do matter, and I guarantee your wife will notice if you start watching what and how you say things. How different do you think she would respond if instead you said it like this. “I’m sorry. Honey, I forgot. My bad. How can I make it up to you?” “I understand what you’re saying. I don’t necessarily agree with it, and I’d like to talk about it more.” This is the big one. The only punctuation that should come after “I love you”, is either a period or an exclamation mark. “I love you. Because of that, I need to step back for a second and calm down so I don’t say something really stupid.”
Recently, I had the pleasure of sitting down with a guy I respect and who I feel is crushing the area of being a good husband. Now, this is the lead-in into who I interviewed in this chapter and that is none other than the Verick Burchfield.
Each of these chapters, if you don’t know, I interview a man that I think is really has his crap together when it comes to this area of his life. Not all of us have each of all these areas together. Some of us are better at other areas than other areas.
So Verick is the one that I interviewed for chapter five. Hopefully I’m going to try to get him on a Facebook Live video this week and let you guys hear from him a little bit about why he wanted to do it and why he thinks that this would be a good book.
On that whole punctuation piece, the … Oh, I’ve got to try and find where I was. I closed it. Oh, here it is. How we punctuate when we talk to each other. Now, obviously, the book is written for men for their wives, kind of with that slant to it, but honestly this can go from wives to their husbands. This can go from parents to their children. This can go from business leaders to their employees or to their teams. It really doesn’t change, but I think that punctuation piece is important.
The but and the comma can seriously, like I say in the book, it can contradict everything that comes before. It actually will negate everything that comes before it. So I think just watching that one piece and how we punctuate can make all the difference in the world. It’s simple. There’s a difference. It’s simple, the premise is simple, the idea is simple, the action, the accomplishment of it, is not always so easy. Why is that? I think it’s because a lot of the times when we’re in these situations where, “I’m sorry honey, but I got busy and forgot.” “I love you, but right now you’re really irritating me.” “I agree with you, but I think you need to do this instead.” There’s one common thread with all of those.
The common thread with all of those is emotion. It’s really hard to think rationally, to think factually, I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, when there is emotion involved. If you look at any argument … Look at a political argument, one side versus the other, I’m not even going to talk about what side versus what side, but one side versus the other. If there’s any inkling of emotion involved you’re at an impasse. That’s the way it is. That’s the hard part here. Again, the simple part is the idea. The simple part is how we say our words, and where we put the punctuation and those types of things, but it’s not easy because we have to remove ourselves from that emotional piece sometimes and put ourselves in a factual piece sometimes in order to accomplish that.
Think back to, if you are married, the last time you got in a fight. That emotion kicks in and all of the sudden … The weird thing is, you start arguing about one thing and then all of the sudden 20 minutes later you’re trying to remember what exact thing actually started this one. It’s like, “Holy cow. How did we get all the way over here onto vehicles? Where did we start? Where did this argument even start? What was the impetus for us arguing in the first place?” Emotion. That’s it. The beautiful thing about us as human beings is we are emotional beings.
I’m going to take a risk and say this. I’m just going to say it. Males tend to be a little less emotional. Males tend to be a little bit more of that factual side of the reasoning side of the brain type of thing with not enough emotion half the time. The fairer gender tends to come from more of that emotional side of things sometimes. So we all have our sides that we go through, that we come from, but when we get into this situation where there is an argument, where there is a disagreement, guess what? Both of the sides are emotional. Shannon you are emotional. Yeah, you are. You are quite and emotional person Shannon. I’m glad you can admit that. Anyway, when we get into those situations there is emotion whether you’re a man or a woman. I guess that’s my main point.
We have to step back. We have to look at what it is we’re trying to accomplish, what it is we’re fighting for. I’ve talked about that a little bit in the past, too. Are you fighting for the relationship? Are you fighting for understanding? Are you fighting for respect and love? Or are you fighting to win? I’ve said it before, because here’s the thing folks, and guys listen up.
I’m going to talk to you because I am one, and if you’re competitive at all, like I am, if you’re firstborn, you’re stubborn, anything like that. I like to win. I don’t like to lose. One of the things that I had to learn, and I’m still learning, I haven’t perfected this thing called marriage or relationships or anything else. The one thing I’ve had to learn is if I’m fighting for those things in the relationship that I talked about, that respect piece, the relationship piece, the other things that are worth fighting for, it’s okay. There’s one thing that if we’re fighting for it it’s wrong. If we’re fighting to win, if we’re fighting just to … In those situations where we become emotional, where those things happen, where we’ve got that clash as husband and wife since this is the chapter on ‘Man Up in Your Marriage’, if we’re fighting to win here’s the thing. There is a loser and a winner. Sometimes even though you’re fighting to win, men, you may end up losing and she ends up winning. Sometimes it’s the other way around. You end up winning, she ends up losing. At the end of the day, why in the hell would any of us fight hard enough to have our spouse end up a loser or collateral damage in a fight?
I know. It’s emotion. When that emotion piece gets in there, for all of us, things take over. I want you to think about it because that’s one of the things I say to myself every single time we get in an argument or we get in a fight, and yeah we do, we aren’t pooping pink sherbet, every time we get in that the one thing I have to say to myself every single time, “What am I fighting for?” Sometimes I just … You could ask Brenda. Sometimes I’ll continue fighting, there’ll be times where I just go, “I’m an idiot”, and I’ve got to turn and walk around. I’ve got to turn and leave because I didn’t even know what I was fighting for. I didn’t even know what it was about. I didn’t know what started it. All I knew is that I wanted to win and she doesn’t deserve that. Plain and simple. She doesn’t. So think about that next time. What. Am. I. Fighting. For? Five words. That’s all I want you to ask yourself.
The very next argument you get in guys, and for you gals that are on here too I’m going to say the same thing. The very next argument you get in, as soon as you can I want you to try to hear me in your head just asking you a question. What am I fighting for? If it’s anything other than respect, love, the relationship, or along those lines, then stop. Stop and walk away.
That was it. That was the night on watch your punctuation. That was a little bit from the book.
Chris Skaggs: “My brother-in-law Derrick English says I really should go to Advanced in February.” Yes you should Chris. It could be a life changing experience for you. I highly recommend it.
Carol says: “I suck at being strong. My emotions are on the outside of my shirt sleeve.” Well, Carol, we must shop at the same dang clothing store because somehow or another mine end up on my shirt sleeve too. That’s one of the things that I struggle with. So don’t feel bad. Don’t feel alone. Sometimes it’s good for people to know right where you stand. Sometimes it’s better to bring that a little bit closer to the vest and not let everybody see it. It’s just getting better at figuring out when the right time is to let those emotions show through, in my mind. It may not be right, but that’s my mind, and it’s my live video so I guess I can say what I want. Carol, keeping that respect is so important. I believe exactly it.
There’s Shannon. He’s saying he’s emotional again. Good Shannon.
Let’s see. Kevin: “Words are very powerful. Learning how to use them is even more powerful.” You know what? That’s what it is for me. Power in words.
Lisa said: “The best evidence of a great marriage is that it’s not all over Facebook. It doesn’t need to be.” Thank you.
Okay, let me preface that. I got no problem with someone … Say it’s your wife’s birthday or your husband’s birthday and you put a post out there and it says, “I love you babe. Happy birthday. Here’s to a great dad and a great father.” Awesome. Do it. Keep doing it because it means a lot. Especially if your spouse is a words of adoration, or words of love type of personality. That’s their love language, then yeah you better throw a post or two out there every now and then that says you love them, but goodness. Yeah, it doesn’t have to be this daily Days of our Lives stuff. That’s for sure. Usually I find that the people that are saying it constantly, it’s just a broken record. I guess the question is who are they trying to convince? Us or themselves? Half the time it’s themselves. So, anyway. Let’s see.
Matt: “Can wait to read the book.” Thanks Matt. I appreciate that man.
Jennifer: “Thanks for being authentic.” Well, unfortunately Jennifer, for my wife and some people that know me really, really well the only thing I know how to do is be authentic and who I am. What you see here is what you get. Thank you for that though. I appreciate it.
Patricia and Todd: “Both my hubby and I are listening to this together. We both get emotional.” There we go. If you’re married you’re both going to get emotional. That’s all there is to it. It’s how you handle that emotion that can either be epic or epic. One way or the other.
Mary said: “Thank you for sharing.” Thanks Mary, appreciate that.
Alright guys. That’s enough for tonight. I’ve probably kept y’all way past your bedtimes. I’m going to try and get Verick on here this week. I’m going to try and let you guys know which night I get to get him on here and talk with him a little bit. I’m still going to try and get Mr. Randy Murray on here as well. He was on the friendship side of the book, the man I interviewed for friendship. Try and get him this week too. And, nice week out, if you’re a motorcycle rider and you live in Minnesota I dang well better see some pictures on Facebook of you on your bike in the next four to five days because after that it’s probably not going to be the best to ride anyway. I’m going to be out. Anyway, see you guys. Have a good night. Thanks for joining me. Y’all take care.